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worrying

Josh tells me that worrying is praying for what I don't want, but I still worry. Well, more like visualize possible outcomes, see which ones make sense, which ones are just silly, then change what I can and accept what I can live with.
 
Lately, I'm feeling like the kids are okay, for now. I'm assuming they're with Jess, or will be going there at the end of the school year, and that seriously, spending a few years in Disneyworld is not exactly the average kid's worst nightmare. That's not the problem- it's that they're not allowed any contact with me. I know them, I know they've asked, I know they've been told something. I hope the separation and trauma has all been blamed on CPS, for their sake- because in the long run, for them, it's going to be easier to hate Jami and Cindy for not letting them see their Mommy anymore. If Jess and Sandy are making the choice, then either they can tell the truth "You can't see your Mommy because we hate her." and see how that flies, or make up lies about Mommy not wanting them, being a bad person, being dead, whatever. 
 
The more I think about it though,  I miss my Mom so much everyday. If I found out that she was alive and well and that someone had made me go through losing her and all that pain for their own selfish reasons....I would have a very hard time forgiving that person, but I think Josh would make me want to try, after listening to me bitch about the douchebags for awhile. 
 
I think about what directions my life is going. I have a key to a church. Seriously. I do a lot around there. Helped with the teens last week, we went around the pond and picked up garbage. Then Sunday, I helped with spring cleaning inside, 2 of us wiped off all the tables and chairs in the Community room and the classrooms.  I don't like being in the center of attention, but I know I'm appreciated, I make a difference. So, I'm pretty sure I'm going to keep that up. 
 
Also, it's been almost 10 months, I still don't know what's going on with this, but I could end up with him. He's going to be a minister. He's such an amazing person, he does so much for the church & the community, and puts so much into his job, I would not be the slightest bit surprised if he got nominated for the 40 under 40 award.  He doesn't even call attention to a lot of the stuff that he does, there's times I just know about it because we talk about what we did that day, or what our plans/schedule is like coming up. 
 
So, how are Vlad and Lucy going to feel if they're kept away from me for years, and they grow up and find me and my life is really amazing? Not working at Disneyworld, no, but doing a lot to make a difference in people's lives, make the world a better place. What if I'm a much better person than Jess? How are they going to feel? Not that I'm willing to be BSC to avoid having them feel betrayed by Jess's BSC, just trying to figure out if there's a way that this can turn out good for them.
 

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
swordoffury
May. 19th, 2011 02:04 pm (UTC)
Honestly, Denelle, over the last coupel years of hearign you express worries, frustrations, and hopes, this post is the most complete, and most likely to succeed, expression of what best you can do for your kids.
You know you love them, you know they are probably in or headign to Jess's care. You know Jess and sandy are not likely to allow you to be a part of their lives while they are in control. You can't likely change that, but what you talked about in this post wasnt abotu that.
It was about what you CAN do, and what you expect you will do, and frankly, I dont think you can go wrong with what you laid out.
I honestly think that this is probably the most positive, most honest, and helpful thing you have posted regarding the whole fucking mess. :)
*hug*
and hell, give one to josh for me. He deserves it. And so do you.
babita781
May. 21st, 2011 07:39 pm (UTC)
This breaks my heart. Not even some sort of supervised monthly thing? I am so so sorry. I wouldn't have gotten through the last several years of hell that is my life without my daughter. She will be 22 on Tuesday, you will have yours with you by then! Hugs.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )